Potty Guidelines

 by Diane Rose Owner, director Montessori Fun

Your baby is growing up, what a bittersweet time!  This is one of many milestones in the steps of cutting the cord. It is all part of growing up! Physical and emotional readiness are important for the child, and for the parents as well! This article is meant for parents of children that do not have any special need that complicates them learning to use the toilet.

If a child has a time when he is showing an interest in using the toilet, that is, of course, the best time to start learning. In my observations, they go through a sensitive period towards potty awareness at the age of around 18 months and then again around 2, and then at around 2 ½.  After age 21/2 or so, using a diaper becomes their comfort zone. And 2-year-olds have a rather narrow comfort zone, depending on the child. Their comfort zone for elimination is the diaper, it’s all they know, and they like to stay in their comfort zones! Also, diapering often gets them lots of one-on-one attention, and this is especially attractive to a child that has a younger sibling. As time goes on, the child develops the “diaper habit”. Habits, as we know are hard for us all to break. This has worked fine all their lives so why change it up? They like pooping and peeing in their diaper whenever they feel like it. And, they don’t like having to stop what they are doing. But don’t worry- this does not mean that it is too late! They just may need some attractive motivators. Of course, your child will not go to college in diapers, and remember, you are not alone! Many parents are in the same position. Disposable diapers are just so easy for everyone, and we are all so busy in our lives.

Following are the keys to potty training success: 

1. Child readiness
2. Parent readiness
3. Specific areas of difficulty and night training
4. Enjoy the freedom! Financially and in daily life

Indicators of Readiness- Child

*Can go for an hour or two with a dry diaper

Is aware of the feeling that precedes having to go, and can communicate that need, and hold it for a minute until she can get to the potty. This usually starts with being aware that he has just gone, and reporting after they have gone (too late, but still an important step).

* Can walk to the bathroom, pull down their clothing, wipe, flush, wash hands with minimal help but lots of encouragement 

 *Has some motivation and/or interest in being able to use the toilet Praise and true pride and congratulations are first then other motivators

Indicators of readiness- Parent

• Can deal with extra laundry temporarily and extra clean ups, and is ready to have an encouraging attitude (don’t choose PMS week)

• Is willing to make the time to stay home and put out some energy towards this project, a week, or even a weekend will help a lot

• Is willing to let go of the baby part of the child, which can be especially hard if this is the last or only child

• Is ready to put away those cute overalls, belts, and other clothing that make independence difficult and frustrating for the child

• Is ready to take the diaper purchases out of the family budget!!! $$$$$$!!

After accessing readiness, here are some tips that may be useful. Every child and every family is different. What works for you may not work for your neighbor’s kid. What doesn’t work this week may work next week. If everyone is happy, it is the right way. I do not, however, condone punishing children for accidents, or forcing the child to sit for prolonged periods on the potty until they produce, using shame or guilt, or using good girl/bad girl labels. Every child needs encouragement and support while learning this new skill, as they do for every new skill. 

Tips for success

I. To prepare, minimize the fun and nurturing aspect of changing their diapers. Be matter of fact, and warm but quiet during the diaper change. Change them standing up whenever possible, put the BM in the toilet “Where it belongs.”. Show them! “Bye-bye poop!” Let them help pull up and down their pants, and any other clothing they can help with.

2. Let your child wear underwear, or be naked around the house and in the yard with a potty nearby. Give them a warning- this diaper pack is almost gone then you get to switch to underwear and then discontinue use of diapers and pullups except for nap and night. Trial and error are how they learn- being aware of when they are going and then to be able to hold it and use the bathroom is a new concept at first. Remember that everyone was potty trained young when Moms used and washed cloth diapers!  Disposable diapers keep them so dry they don’t even know how it feels to be wet. If they can’t feel the wetness, how are they going to put it together? 

3. Fun undies can be a great incentive; try favorite character or favorite color underwear. Thick training undies are good for smaller puddles on the floor.Ask them to touch them “Are they dry or wet?” 

4. Don’t switch back and forth from diapers and underwear. It is too confusing and they aren’t sure when to hold it or when to let it go. Except at night and nap.

5. Pull-ups are, in my opinion, just expensive diapers and usually get used like the expensive diapers they are. Plus, hard to get on and off with the clothes when they are used. But if they work for you- great! But get them into real underwear asap.

6.Set a timer for every hour or so. Don’t give them a choice—just say cheerfully “Time for potty!”  Take your child with you when you use the bathroom, if you feel comfortable with this. The accompaniment of a same sex parent, sibling or child’s friend or cousin can be helpful. At least keep them company, chat about anything and make it a pleasant time.

7. It is easiest and cleanest for boys to start out sitting. Save standing for when they have gained aim and control. A cheerio in the toilet can help guide them later.

8. Don’t feel bad about sending your child to school in underwear. We want to help them to learn this new skill as much as you do. Just send lots of spare clothing. Let us know what works for you and when they last went. We often take them every hour at first. If you are not at Montessori Fun then talk to your school.

9. Carry a small portable potty in your car for emergencies, long lines, or dirty public restrooms that you don’t want them touching. Let the boys use a truck tire or a tree if you are comfortable with that (we don’t let them go in the yard at school, too many kids here) Always carry a change of clothes for them.

10. Don’t be surprised when they refuse to go when you request them to, like before a long trip in the car. “But I don’t have to” is a common response. They usually wait until their bladder is about bursting and then tell you they have to go (it is often just as the food arrives at the table in a restaurant, or just as you merge onto the freeway) After my own three kids, and the many I have taught I truly believe they have a reason for this, perhaps to strengthen their holding muscles. This is normal, although frustrating, behavior. Saying “Time to go” is better than asking when they really don’t have an option.

II. Remember, you are instilling habits for their lifetime. Follow the ritual you want them to do every time:  putting the lid down, wiping, washing and drying hands effectively- whatever habits you want them to have forever. Even if the child doesn’t “go” at first~ go through the entire ritual every time. This applies to all the habits you want your child to have, this is when they learn their lifelong habits of self care.

12. Make sure the child has only clothing choices that are easy on/easy off. Loose elastic pants, short dresses, or best yet, au natural! No overalls, zippers, buttons or belts

13. Be positive and encouraging!! Make it fun! If they have an accident, tell them “It’s OK~ you’ll make it next time!!” Have some fun with it “Let’s run to the potty, you can make it!!, let’s go!!” Set a timer for every hour and use it as a default- timer says go!!! If it becomes negative, overly frustrating, or a battle- back off for a while. Try again in a few weeks. Enjoy your little one and his other accomplishments. It will happen! Have patience. See incentives- below.

When you hit a pebble in the road- or a boulder? “ NO I won’t!”

When the accomplishment of staying dry, praise, and the thrill of the sound of pee-pee in the pot aren’t motivating enough, then move up to stickers or SMALL treats like one M&M, one tiny toy, one special sticker.!. I’m not usually a fan of “bribes” but it can make this more pleasant for a resistant child. One chocolate chip to sit and try, for going pee they get two chocolate chips, for poop they get three. Credit to Lisa Bunnage the “Bratbuster” for her suggestions. It can be a fun game! I have had success putting a paper on the wall and the child gets a sticker and can put it on the wall. If they are closer to 4 maybe give them an extra motivation like for 10 stickers they can get a hot wheels car or an ice cream. If they are still resistant wait a week or two and try again. Enlist the help of an older sibling or cousin and everyone gets treats. Get a new pack of underwear that they pick out. If your boy insists on standing try a cheerio in the toilet for aiming.  Going with a friend, or you can help too. Have a sturdy potty seat for the toilet or I prefer those little potties that sit on the floor so they don’t have to balance upon the toilet. Set up the bathroom so your “big” boy or girl can reach the sink independently, have a step stool available. A hand towel just for them. New soap that smells good.  Reading potty books like Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi can help. Talk about how great it is to have a big boy/girl that is able to do fun big kid things! Name a few big kid activities including potty- ride a bike, play with friends, climb to the top of the play gym, feed their pet, etc. Tell them and another trick is to  let them “overhear” you tell others how capable and wonderful they are— very strong influencer! 

Some children absolutely refuse to poop except in a diaper. I’ve seen this with three-year-olds who have a strong sense of attachment to their comfort zone, or with other ages occasionally for various baffling and frustrating unfound reasons. A few things to try: As a transition, put a lot of toilet paper in the bottom of a little potty so they don’t get the splash- (some kids don’t like that), and they feel something close to their bottom that is kind of like a diaper,  try a diaper in the little potty, try more attractive incentives, but if necessary just give them a diaper to poop. Medical complications from holding poop can result in a difficult experience for all. We can’t win power trips over bathroom issues. A gentle laxative can sometimes help like a prune or some pistachios, just so they are not constipated, and it is not painful to push out.  Some children just need to take their own time until they are comfortable and realize it is what we all do. Give them a diaper to poop, and then put back the underwear and later try again.. count your blessings, read the poop book again 😊

Diapers at night and during nap are often worn long after the child is in underwear during the day, though. Every child is different and those who are deep sleepers will have a harder time waking up for potty. When you think they are ready for nighttime training: limit their liquids after 3 pm, (make sure they drink a lot in the morning). Have a potty near their bed or a bathroom nearby with night lights not too bright so they don’t wake up too much, try waking them and taking them before you go to bed, or if you wake up to go. When they are successful with a dry diaper or pull up in the morning for a few days then try not having the diaper at night. Have a spare set of sheets ready just in case, and lots of encouragement. 

Early childhood is such a special and important time, and it really does go fast.   Enjoy your “big kid”!! Emphasize connection, play together, read together and laugh together. It is such a special time and bonding together with play, laughter and songs are great start to a lifetime of connection.